How Women Can Create a New Version of Themselves and Gain Control of Their Lives
- Jun 27
- 4 min read
In a world where many women feel overlooked, undervalued, or out of control, reclaiming personal power is not just empowering—it's essential. Drawing from years of experience as a psychologist and executive coach, Dr. Sharon Melnick offers profound insights into how women can regain control of their lives, rewrite internal narratives, and step confidently into their true power. This article explores key strategies to help you move beyond feeling powerless and instead become the architect of your own destiny.
Understanding Power: Being in Your Power vs. Having Power
Power often carries a heavy, sometimes negative connotation—selfishness, manipulation, or force. But being in your power, as Dr. Melnick explains, is fundamentally about “being able”. It means having the ability to stay grounded and true to yourself regardless of external circumstances. Unlike positional power, which can be abused, personal power is an internal resource that elevates both yourself and those around you.
Many people confuse feeling powerless with weakness. However, being out of your power is a common experience and not a sign of personal failure. Recognizing that you have more agency than you think is the first step toward transformation.
Recognizing and Reframing Triggers
Triggers often catch us off guard, causing emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation. These reactions are usually linked to unresolved trauma or past wounds—experiences where we felt unseen, unheard, or powerless. Dr. Melnick highlights that these triggers are like “kindling” inside us, ignited by others’ behavior, making us feel disrespected or unworthy.
Understanding this allows us to step back and reframe the story we tell ourselves. Instead of taking things personally, we can ask, “How might this be happening for me, not to me?” This simple shift in perspective helps us regain control and opens the door to healing.
Moving Through Emotions: Completing the Stress Cycle
Our autonomic nervous system toggles between the sympathetic (fight or flight) and parasympathetic (rest and digest) states. When triggered, we often get stuck in the sympathetic mode, overriding rational thought and acting from a reactive place. Learning to move emotions through the body is essential for returning to balance.
Dr. Melnick recommends matching the intensity of your emotions with appropriate physical expression—whether it’s hitting a boxing bag, taking a dance break to an energetic song, or simply having a good cry. Completing this stress cycle reconnects the emotional brain with the rational brain, allowing for clarity and healthier responses.
After releasing difficult emotions, it’s equally important to replenish yourself with pleasure and calm—walks in nature, reading a favorite book, or any activity that nurtures your well-being.
Practical Techniques to Stay in Your Power
Cooling Breath for Instant Calm
One powerful tool Dr. Melnick shares is the cooling breath. This breathing technique helps deactivate the amygdala hijack (the emotional brain’s fight or flight response) and reconnects you to your frontal lobe, where rational thinking resides.
How to do it: Open your mouth slightly and breathe in through your mouth as if sipping through a straw, then exhale slowly through your nose. Repeat a few times, noticing a cooling sensation on your tongue. This can be done discreetly during stressful interactions to maintain poise and composure.
Setting Boundaries and Managing Intrusive People
Dealing with intrusive individuals, especially narcissists, requires clear boundaries and self-protection. When stating boundaries, focus on your needs and what you will do—not on what the other person should do. Watch their response:
- Deferential:
They hear you and adjust their behavior.
- Defensive:
They react with hostility or denial, showing they may not respect your boundaries.
For defensive or narcissistic people, minimize engagement. Use strategies like the “gray rock” technique—being bland and unreactive—or listening without internalizing their words (imagine them as background noise). Compassion for their often traumatic origins can help protect your heart while maintaining your power.
The Power of Perspective: From Victim to Victor
One of the most transformative portals to power is shifting from a victim mentality to a victor mentality by reframing experiences. For example, being passed over for a promotion can feel like a personal failure. But by asking, “How might this be happening for me, not to me?”, you open yourself to new possibilities and growth.
Dr. Melnick shares a story of a client who, after losing a promotion, soon received a better opportunity that aligned more with her dreams. This illustrates that setbacks often pave the way for greater blessings.
The Thermostat vs. Thermometer Metaphor
Many of us function like thermometers, reacting to external circumstances and letting others’ moods dictate our emotional state. Dr. Melnick encourages becoming the thermostat instead—setting the tone, choosing your response, and leading others toward a better place. This shift is about owning your energy and influence.
Taking Responsibility: Your 50% of Control
A key to resilience is focusing on what you can control—your “50%.” This means taking full responsibility for your actions, thoughts, and feelings without trying to control others. Attempting to control people outside your sphere only drains your power.
By being “impeccable” with your 50%, you cultivate true agency and can influence situations more effectively.
Using Power Effectively: The Art of Persuasion
Getting what you want often requires understanding what others want. Instead of demanding or insisting, frame your requests around the other person’s motivations and interests. This approach creates a win-win dynamic and increases your influence.
For example, a client struggling to get better sales opportunities reframed her requests by showing how granting them would enhance her boss’s reputation. The result? She received every opportunity she asked for.
Continuous Growth and Self-Awareness
Reclaiming and maintaining your power is an ongoing process that involves self-awareness and inner work. Understanding your triggers, completing emotional cycles, setting boundaries, and reframing your narratives are all part of this journey.
Dr. Melnick emphasizes that power is not a fixed state but a skill set you can develop. The more you practice these strategies, the more confident, aligned, and effective you become in all areas of life.
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