How Women Can Create A New Version Of Themselves And Gain Control Of Their Lives

Most of us experience moments when we feel out of our power. We react disproportionately, we get triggered, and we believe other people and circumstances determine how we feel. But power is not just positional authority. To be in your power is to be able: able to stay steady inside yourself, to respond intentionally, and to act in ways that produce better outcomes for you and for the people around you.

How trauma and early stories shape our reactions

When we have a reaction that seems out of proportion to the situation, that is a very useful clue: there is a piece of the past being reactivated. As children we form explanations for painful experiences so we can survive emotionally. Often those explanations become stories we carry into adulthood: I am not worthy, I am not enough, I am the problem. Those stories served a purpose then. They helped us preserve hope and get emotional oxygen in a hard situation. But they are not the objective truth about who we are.

When someone behaves selfishly, dismissively, or controlling, it can be a match to the kindling of these old stories and cause a reactivation. The key is learning to trace a strong emotion back to its source and then telling a different story about it.

"When we have a reaction that's disproportionate to the situation it's always a really good clue that there's something else going on in the situation."

Move emotion through the body: complete the stress cycle

Emotions cause physiological activation. If that activation is left unresolved, it hijacks executive thinking and keeps us stuck in reactive patterns. The goal is to complete the stress cycle so your rational brain can reengage and you can choose an intentional response.

Practical ways to move emotion through the system:

• Match the intensity of the feeling. A gentle walk may help calm low-level frustration, but if you are furious a walk might not be enough. Try a boxing bag session, a high-energy dance break, or a single two-to-four minute song where you fully express the feeling.

• Use breathing techniques to shift your nervous system. Slowing to about six breaths per minute helps access the parasympathetic state. One simple in-the-moment technique is cooling breath: open your mouth slightly, inhale as if sipping through a straw, then exhale through your nose. You should feel a cooling sensation on the top of your tongue. This breath helps reduce amygdala hijack and bring you back to mental clarity.

• Allow a good cry when needed. Crying is an example of moving emotion through your system and often leaves you feeling lighter and clearer.

• After clearing emotion, remember to refill yourself. Reconnect with pleasure, calm, or things that remind you who you are so you can act from a replenished place.

Reframing: how might this be happening for me, not to me

One of the most powerful shifts is asking the question: how might this be happening for me, not to me? That question helps you step out of the immediate blame loop and see a bigger arc. I coached a woman who was passed over for a promotion. In the moment she was devastated. By asking the reframing question she realized the promotion was not the job she truly wanted and that a better opportunity was already forming for her. Two weeks later she received an offer that was much closer to her dream.

Reframing does not deny the pain. It creates perspective so you can act from possibility instead of being emotionally paralyzed.

What it means to be in your power

Power gets a bad rap because we often equate it with domination or force. But the root of the word power is the Latin pos, meaning to be able. Being in your power means you have the ability to stay good inside yourself no matter what is happening outside. It means you can act effectively and your words and actions land.

Two metaphors I use are the thermostat and the thermometer. Many of us are thermometers, reacting to other people and letting external temperatures set our internal state. When you become the thermostat you set the tone. You decide who you want to be in that interaction and you bring others toward that outcome.

Impeccable ownership of your 50 percent

In any interpersonal situation there are things you can control and things you cannot. I call this your 50 percent. The most effective action is to take 100 percent responsibility for your 50 percent and stop trying to control the other 50 percent. Focus your energy on what you can influence and be impeccable about it. That is how you reclaim agency.

Portals to power: persuasion, perspective, and the thermostat

When you want someone to act differently, persuasion is often more effective than demand. Ask what's in it for them. People already have energy moving toward their priorities. Instead of swimming upstream against their priorities, put your request on the current that is already there.

Example from the workplace: a woman asked her male manager for better sales opportunities for years to no avail. We mapped what motivated him—visibility and appearing as a champion to his leaders—and reframed her request around how giving her those opportunities would also advance his goals. He then gave her everything she asked for.

Family example: offer your teenager the car only after they complete a few thank-you notes. This links a clear incentive to the behavior you want, and it respects their motives while getting your needs met.

Boundaries, narcissists, and intrusive people

Setting boundaries is about stating what you need and what you will do, not about lecturing the other person on how to be. After you state a boundary, watch the response. People typically respond in one of two ways:

• Deferential:

  They hear you and adjust. This creates healthier two-person interactions.

• Defensive:

  They feel attacked, justify themselves, and make the interaction about them. When this happens you need to raise barriers and limit their access to you.

If you must interact with someone intrusive or narcissistic, minimize engagement. Strategies include:

• Gray rock: be bland, monotone, and unhookable. Give nothing to grab onto.

• Charlie Brown teacher listening: give the appearance of listening without absorbing the meaning into your self-worth.

• Control the setting: speak privately rather than humiliating the person in public, because narcissists react strongly to being shown up.

• Use cooling breath and other de-escalation tools to remain poised.

• Hold compassion for where they came from. Many such behaviors stem from early trauma and dissociation. Compassion does not mean tolerating abuse. It simply reframes the person so you can protect yourself without personalizing their behavior.

Three resilience indicators

If you want to know who is likely to regain their power, look for these characteristics:

1. They default to asking where their power is in any situation.

2. They perform a clear power analysis, separating what they can control from what they cannot and taking responsibility for their 50 percent.

3. They tell an empowering story about themselves and don’t let old narratives define them.

Daily practices to stay in your power

• Ask the question first: where is my power here?

• Complete the stress cycle when you are triggered: move, breathe, cry if you need to, and then refill.

• Use persuasion: reframe requests around the other person’s motivations as well as your own.

• Be the thermostat: choose who you want to be and set a tone that moves everyone forward.

• Limit contact with people who repeatedly violate your boundaries and protect your energy with clear barriers.

Real life is messy and still full of possibility

I will be transparent: I experienced powerful triggers again as a parent. When my oldest son reached the age I was when my parents divorced, wounds I thought were healed reactivated. I had to move a lot of emotion through myself and repeatedly ask the reframing question to keep from being overwhelmed. Another deeply personal example: after ending a long, loving relationship because we wanted different lives, the only way I could survive the grief was to reframe it as something happening for me, not to me. That perspective opened the door to healing and growth.

Resources and next steps:

If you want practical tools to apply these ideas:

• Do a power check: ask where your power is in the situation and list what you can control.

• Create short, intense movement breaks or playlists to move emotions through your body.

• Practice cooling breath in heated moments: inhale through a slightly open mouth as if sipping through a straw and exhale through the nose.

• Refill yourself after an emotional clearing with something that brings you joy or calm.

For downloadable playlists, an assessment to find where you are in your power, and a tool to track your daily power state visit inyourpowerbook.com. If you are interested in coaching for leaders, executives, or founders who want to be heard and get to the next level, you can find coaching information at SharonMelnick.com.

"To be in your power is to be able to stay good inside yourself no matter what's going on around you."

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